A Merry Mother's Day

"Sing out loud in the car even (or especially) if it embarrasses your children." ~Marilyn Penland

This is the first year I get to celebrate mother’s day as an honorary member.

It’s been on my mind a lot lately.

I’ve been thinking about the evening/early morning when Josiah and Lilly were born. It was an incredibly scary time.

For a while after their birth I lived in an underlying state of shock. There was something deeply traumatic about being pregnant and close to them one second only to have them literally cut out of you another. I didn’t realize it until later, but I wasn’t ready to call an end to my pregnancy. It was like those people who have phantom limb syndrome. I still felt like they were with me, but intellectually I knew that they were in the NICU hooked up to a half a dozen machines and monitors.

For all the hazy memories I have about the hours leading up to and following their birth, I very distinctly remember the last long look between Steve and I as they rolled me away into surgery. There are some things in life you can’t be entirely certain of, but I knew that whatever happened in the next hour or so we at least had each other.

For me, this Mother’s Day is bittersweet. Although exciting and relieved, the time of their birth and subsequent weeks in the NICU were unspeakably difficult and tiring. I never felt like a mom.

It has hit me somewhere along the way that these babies are healthy and won’t stop breathing or choke to death on their bottles. These were very, very real fears in the beginning days of their homecoming.

Every day with them is a little bit “better”, a little more rewarding and satisfying. I find that although there are days I barely manage to get through, there are many more enjoyable times as they begin to interact with the world around them and Steve and I become more experienced in parenting.

These days I feel more like a mom than ever. And it isn’t because of all the gross diapers or sleepless nights. It’s because they smile when they hear my voice and because I know how to sooth and comfort them the way no one else does.

I love being a mommy to Josiah and Lilly.

And so…

Happy Mother’s Day, especially to my own mom.

I truly wish mothers (old and new) a happy day as we remember the love and sacrifice of the important women in our life.

Lilly's first picture!

Josiah's first picture!

Josiah

Lilly and Steve

First time together (Lilly on the left, Josiah on the right)

Josiah and I

Lilly and Steve

First time I held both of my babies.... going home!