Beth, Steve and Family!: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & How to Listen So Kids Will Talk

I've just started reading this book in an effort to learn more about parenting and relating to my kids (and any kids). I wear myself out with my constant nagging at them. It's irritating when Josiah throws a fit because he can't have chocolate milk or Lilly screams because she wants the toy Josiah has. And yes, true story, Josiah swung his baseball bat at Noah. He wasn't doing it out of anger, but he was sad because I was feeding Noah and wouldn't play ball with him. I, in a genius stroke of parenting, ignored this and yelled at him then dragged him to his bedroom. I was so angry.

Low moment.

Right off the bat (no pun intended) the authors presented a few ideas that I found useful and challenging in my every day conversations with Josiah and Lilly. I won't give you a whole review of what I've read, but I found several of their recommendations helpful.

My favorite excerpt so far:

"Four possible ways to give first aid to a child in distress: by listening with full attention, by acknowledging his feelings with a word, (yes, uh-huh) by giving a name to his feelings, and by granting him his wishes in fantasy. -this last one means something like this, "I can see how badly you'd like fruit loops. Wouldn't it be nice if we could eat them every day for breakfast?"

But more important than any words we use is our attitude. If our attitude is not one of compassion, then whatever we say will be experienced by the child as phony or manipulative. It is when our words are infused with our real feelings of empathy that they speak directly to a child's heart.

..... perhaps the most difficult is to have to listen to a child's emotional outpourings and then 'give a name to the feeling.' It takes practice and concentration to be able to look into and beyond what a child says in order to identify what he or she might be feeling. Yet it's important that we give our children a vocabulary for their inner reality. Once they have words for what they're experiencing, they can begin to help themselves."

Several months ago (for Christmas, I believe) Steve and I purchased several Duck and Goose books for the kids. We loved their simple stories and illustrations. The one we've loved the most (as in, has been most educational for us all) has been the book Duck and Goose: How Are You Feeling? It was amazing how much our conversations with them changed after they began to understand what each word meant. We'd read the book together and act out angry, sad, happy, frustrated, hopeful, etc. and began to infuse those words into our daily talks. "Josiah, are you feeling frustrated because you can't have ice cream?" "Lilly, does it make you sad when Josiah pulls your hair?" "Isn't it hard to be patient? Remember in Duck and Goose how they were waiting for the flower to grow?"

Phenomenal.

It's really easy to brush off our kid's throughs, experiences, feelings....

I've heard phrases like, "you'll only ever know when you're a mother" or "it only seems hard now"or "it's a phase, it'll be over quickly". While usually meant as encouragement or at least well-intentioned, these words are dismissive.

Gross. I just read through these last few paragraphs and I feel like it makes Steve and I seem all mushy and "everything is about feelings". We're really not that weird. Sometimes kids are just annoying for no other reason than they want to push your buttons.

But...

There is value in this stuff. It's perfect relationship material as a teacher of middle school students (the other age when they don't know what's going on in their life).

I'm not certain I'd recommend the book since I haven't gotten that far into it, but if you're in the market for pick-up-and-lay-down-reading about parenting, this may be a good one for you.

Ah, my Noah. Isn't he fabulous? Look at all his crazy faces: